A Needle in a Haystack

Right now I’m feeling frustrated, having spent the best part of the day trying to find a blogspot where I can chat to older bisexual women. I’m not looking to date someone, I would just like to compare life experiences.

Although there are plenty of sites on the subject of lesbianism and bisexuality, I know enough not to have to go into the basics, like, ‘you’re just someone who never found the right man you could be in a straight relationship with!’ I have been married to five, yes five, different men in my long lifetime, and you can throw in a couple of defacto relationships as well. There must have been at least one worth his salt!

I didn’t know much about homosexuality at all when I was growing up. As a teenager I remember my girlfriend kissing me on the mouth once, and I was so shocked that the moment passed as if I had dreamt it. I became sexually active with a boy at 13 years old and I never liked it, sex was just a way of keeping him coming back. I wanted love desperately as a child, this obsession  has lasted my whole life. I don’t remember being loved by anyone in those formative years

Once, my first husband had a female friend who used to come around and help him when he was working on our car. I didn’t think much of it at the time, because I used to do the same before we had children, but I did feel a pang of jealousy, thinking that she had designs on my husband. He thought that was very amusing, saying that she was more attracted to me than him, so you see I was pretty naive at that point in my life.

It wasn’t until many years later, after my first husband and I divorced, that I became involved with an organisation centered around the gay community, answering the phone on a help-line for suicide prevention. As luck would have it, at first I was unaware that this was an exclusively gay service. I became friends with many of the people who helped man the phones twenty- four hours a day, so much so, that I took up residence in a gay commune with six gay young men.

During this time I became aware of the difficulties involved with living as a gay person, and the discrimination they suffered on a daily basis. I also started to question my own sexuality.

Without writing a whole book on the subject, I can say that this was the happiest I have ever been in my life, and cherish the memories of people and places  as they were then. Unfortunately, nothing remains the same.

I have loved two women, one intensely. Sadly, for reasons too complicated to explain further , although she was a lesbian and responded to me for a while, our relationship didn’t last.

Today, I am married to a man. It’s a marraige of convenience really, for company and financial sharing. We have very little in common, except getting old. It would be wonderful to have a woman to be friends with, who has also known the love of another woman, so far I haven’t been able to find anyone.





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